One step beyond

22nd January 2016

We find proof that the royal dinner has been poisoned, and present that proof to our lord. He interrupts the dinner and all hell breaks loose. An inter-planar being (probably) reveals itself, and it, the king, and his guards attempt to destroy the kingdom more directly now that the poison plot won't work.

The inter-planar being, named Madness, is a tricky beast to attack. Huge, multi-limbed, and not altogether there. Not from being mad, but something else. Salvador attacks Madness, 'hitting AC23'.

'Make a miss chance, 50/50.' Salvador hits, doing damage, but Thrak is concerned that despite the hittable armour class we could still miss.

'She's incorporeal.'

'Yeah, Sal's not a real corporal either.'

'Brigadier!'

'Fake corporal, fake brigadier. It amounts to the same rank.'

Somehow, we defeat Madness and the king returns to a lucid state. That's a relief, and it's good we realised not to attack him—well, after the Lightning Bolt I threw his way. Half the nobles of the realm still live, and although the situation is poor it is not irredeemable.

Sadly, our cleric died during the battle, somewhat ironically cut down by attacks of opportunity when trying to move out of combat to heal himself. We ought to get another one, but it's a worry that being our cleric has lower life-expectancy than drumming for Spinal Tap.

For our efforts and assistance in revealing and defeating the plot against the king, our lord is extremely grateful. He offers us some land we can call our own, a very generous reward indeed. 'I shall call it Fenksland', says Salvador.

'Fenksland? Really?'

Half-bluff

22nd January 2016

We're not supposed to be somewhere, so we try the Ford Prefect strategy of walking past the guards and saying 'he's with me'. Naturally, this method is not guaranteed when used by uncharismatic characters.

'Give me a Bluff check.'

'Can I assist him?'

'Yep.'

'Neat. I have +9 on my Bluff check, so automatically assist anyway, but I roll... 18. +27 means I assist Salvador's Bluff check quite easily.'

Salvador's roll is excellent. 'Natural 20! Back of the net. With your +2 assist, that gives me... +21.'

We really need to start working out in advance who in the party should be doing the talking under various circumstances.

Either Way, it's a Weird Relationship

7th January 2016

Past the graveyard, not full of ghastly undead, we get to the sewer entrance. It kinda stinks, which at first we take to be why 'Captain' Salvador's Blink Dog refuses to go in. But Sal communicates with his familiar, and the Blink Dog tells him that 'it is unnatural in there'.

'Okay, stay here. Wait for my return.' And, with that, we head in to the sewers.

'Huh. Your dog has effectively just sent you in to scout. Which of you is the familiar, and which the master?'

Otherwise What's it Doing in a Graveyard?

7th January 2016

We need to get in to the castle, as we suspect evil is afoot. We can't just wander in the main gate, as the evil involves reassigning all the guards and bringing in new people just prior to a massive feast for the nobility, which is pretty suspicious in itself.

We could enter the castle via the sewer system, which, after some investigation, we find to exit near a graveyard. Making our way there, we see that the graveyard is old and dilapidated, with a large, rusted, iron fence and gate, and lichen all over the gravestones.

'Hang on—is 'lichen' the plural of 'lich'?'

Everyone Gets Their Rightful Reward

15th December 2015

As reward for helping in the battle, Lord Gallow extends a very generous offer to us. He offers us each a knighthood, which we graciously accept. Well, most of us. Salvador enquires about the option of receiving a military rank instead. 'Yes, that would be possible', says Lord Gallow, 'but it would be honorary'.

An honorary military title is fine with Salvador, who ponders his options and decides to be an honorary captain in the army of Lord Gallow. He wears this title with pride, for all of the few hours it takes before we ask why not major? Colonel? Brigadier? 'Ooh, I want to be a brigadier. I can change to that, right.'

But it's too late. Captain it is. Honorary captain, as well. Sir Brewswain. Sir Thrak. 'Captain' Salvador.

The saving grace is that 'Captain' Salvador manages to win a jousting competition the next day. If only he'd been a knight, people may have cheered for him more.

Opportunistic Idiot

15th December 2015

The battle is over. King Steppenguard's forces have been pushed back, and the armies of this land have stopped fighting each other. Hopefully now we can concentrate on the real enemy—not the Judean People's Front, but the orcish army of Ragesia.

The next morning, a messenger rides out to the centre of the battlefield. Lord Gallow rides out to meet him. On seeing this, Salvador spots an opportunity. 'Brewswain, cast Phantasmal Killer on the lord now that he's vulnerable.'

'That's our lord, you douche. Whose side are you on?'

Salvador's Just Too Cheerful

3rd December 2015

'If the dog wasn't in the way, I could cast Lightning Bolt.'

'He's only little. Fire it over his head.'

'I'm a gnome.'

'So fire between his legs!'

'I'm no expert, only being a mage and all, but I don't think Lightning Bolt works that way.'

Thankfully, I have no such reservations about casting spells that catch party members in their effects when the spell isn't quite so destructive. Both Salvador and his dog are bravely battling trolls and knights on horseback, and I want to help by casting Crushing Despair on them, making the enemies less effective.

Sadly, Crushing Despair does not distinguish friend and foe, and would affect Salvador and dog just as it would troll and knight. But there are more of them than there are of us, so the net benefit seems good. 'Sal, how are your saving throws?'

'They're—what? Why?'

'No reason. Crushing Despair!' The trolls and knights feel the weight of the world on them, heightened by being in the midst of battle. Salvador and his dog, ignorant and naive, are unaffected by their situation. The plan worked as intended!

Peculiar

19th November 2015

'How wide is the battlemat?'

'I counted 46 squares, but that seems like an odd number.'

'No, it's definitely even.'

Magic Missile, Magic Missile, Magic Missile!

12th November 2015

Sent on an assassination mission the night before a battle, we get to the target's tent, that of a high-ranking wizard. With a bit of skill mixed with a healthy dose of luck, we take out the guards and encounter the wizard in rather favourable conditions. That is, until he casts Lesser Globe of Invulnerability, giving him immunity from all spells below 3rd level.

'Dammit', says Salvador, 'I was just about to whale on him with 1st-level spells!'

Yeah, it definitely sounds like the 9th-level wizard dodged a bullet.

Heal Thyself

12th November 2015

'Um, before we get started on our excursion to kill this wizard, did it perhaps occur to anyone to get some healing? Just so that we don't start the next fight in a bad state.'

'For goodness sake. You've had all evening to mention this! Then again', says Thrak, after glancing at his character sheet, 'some healing would be good to retcon in.'