Fascinating Fiery Bats

9th October 2014

Deeper in the fire forest, a stone bridge crosses a gorge. We have little choice but to trust the bridge, already broken in places, despite the stress the continuous fire surrounding it must have caused the stone. Most of us get across safely, having found and avoiding some weak spots, when from a cave below us a swarm of flaming bats appears.

A swarm! That's okay, all we need is a source of fire to—oh. They're already on fire and don't seem to be affected. Never mind, we have other tricks up our sleeves.

I cast Speak with Animals! 'Piss off, bats.'


'Sorry lads, I tried my best.' Thankfully, however, that isn't quite my best. Having just gained access to second-level spells, I have Hypnotic Effect learnt. I cast the spell and a cone of dazzling colours flies from my fingers, overwhelming the bats' low-light vision. The swarm is fascinated, letting Aggar cross the bridge and the entire party retreat from the swarm safely.

That was a stroke of luck. A bit of analysing the situation after-the-event even makes us think it was perhaps our only chance. Thank goodness the swarm of bats fell under the hypnotic effect.

'I'll never call our gnome illusionist useless again', says Thrak.

'Yes you will', comes the chorus of replies. Despite his efforts, Thrak ain't no wizard, and we easily save against his feeble illusion.

He's Feeling Better

9th October 2014

We enter the fire forest, a forest that has been burning for decades. That seems peculiar, if we're being honest, and are intrigued as to what could cause this. Unfortunately, the level of knowledge Salvador can bring to bear on the subject is that a forest burning for forty years isn't natural. Thanks, Sal.

As we progress a little way in to the forest, protected from the heat by some potions, we see ahead of us some charred bodies on the ground. 'Are they dead?'

I'm told, with chuckles I don't think are entirely warranted, that, yes, they are obviously dead. Whatever they were. 'Can we tell what they were?', Thrak asks.

Our cleric moves forwards to investigate further. As Aggar crouches down to examine the charred remains, a blackened arm reaches up to him, startling everyone around. Well, almost everyone.

'Oh, I see. They're obviously dead, are they?'

'They obviously looked dead.'

'I didn't ask if they looked dead, I asked if they were dead. Don't blame me for this one, Aggar. I had you covered.'

Falling Without Style

30th September 2014

'Ulagor gives you a crash course on the controls of the glider.'

'Sounds great, but can he give us a different kind of course?'

We manage to get the glider launched, which isn't too difficult, seeing as how we just pushed it off the side of a five-hundred foot high mountain. Keeping it flying is the difficult bit. So is landing, apparently.

'The glider wasn't designed to land.' Um, what? 'There was a magical arrester mechanism in the mountain', of course there was, in a low-magic setting. 'It's probably best to aim for a lake.'

'Where are the parachutes?'

'There aren't any parachutes. They haven't been invented yet.'

'Unlike the glider.'

Dumb Question of the Week

30th September 2014

'I presume none of your characters has flown a glider before?'

It Comes Fully Equipped with a Papoose

30th September 2014

Only the head of the dragon is all that remains after some weird immortality pact went a bit awry. I wasn't really paying attention. I should have been, because something to do with the One Hundred was keeping the magical onyx mountain upright, and now that we've slaughtered them all it is becoming unstable.

The mountain shakes and rocks, sharp splinters falling from the ceiling, growing bigger and bigger until chunks start dropping. We have to get out and to ground level, preferably taking the dragon's head with us. We fashion a crude stretcher out of some tapestries and sling the head between us.

Before we can get out of the main entrance, a massive shudder causes the cave mouth to collapse, seemingly isolating us. All is not lost, as the dragon tells us there is another way out. 'We must use the glider.'

Glider? Damn, I'm getting unpleasant flashbacks to Cave Dwellers.

Ulagor points, 'we must go this way'.

'The dragon's head points? How is he pointing?'

'With his tongue. It's big and long. You know how when you lose your arms and legs...'


'...the rest of your body compensates? It's like that.'

Despite the obvious absurdity, we take the dragon in the direction he 'points', wondering how good a glider could possibly be constructed when we had trouble making a stretcher. But it's not just one glider, there are two. Or there were two. 'Odd', says Ulagor, 'the second glider is missing.'

'Ooh, can we have him say "this is an outrage!"?'

'Yes, tell us about the crunch, Ulagor.'

Tactical Manoeuvre

23rd September 2014

Salvador leaps in to action!

But Thrak is enlarged and in the doorway, completely blocking access to the enemies just outside.

Salvador has a ranged weapon, but he has also just applied magic oil to his melee weapon, and it seems a waste to ignore it.

He could go outside to try to flank the enemies, but that would be really quite risky.

Hmm, what to do, what to do.

'Ah, you've decided to turn your miniature around, in a game where there's no facing. It's this level of strategy that we miss when you're absent.'

Stick 'em With the Pointy End

23rd September 2014

'I'm going to rub magic oil on my weapon.'

'You're greasing up your shaft?'

'No, just the tip.'

Disappearing in to the Character

23rd September 2014

Skeletons pile through the door of the farmhouse we're staying in. That's fine, we have two clerics on hand. Aggar, our own cleric, a cleric of the Sun Domain, has turning undead as a specialty. Torrent, the NPC cleric in our charge, waits for Aggar to destroy the skeletons before bothering to try herself.

It's good that Torrent delays, as Aggar is a bit rusty about turning undead. He holds aloft his holy symbol, utters some incantation, and nothing happens. Our back-up cleric tries. Much better! Not only are all the skeletons turned, they are destroyed by the holy power emanating from Torrent.

As the skeletons are turned to dust, Torrent gives a victory cry. 'Fucking get in!'

Not only is Torrent excellent at turning undead, but Bert has picked up on her mannerisms seamlessly.

Worth the Wait

23rd September 2014

'Does someone want to play Torrent?'

Our NPC cleric is becoming something of a burden for the GM to run, given that we are starting a fight against a dozen other NPCs, and the GM is pretty much asking what we want her to do most of the time anyway. We may as well take direct control, and let our GM concentrate on trying to kill us all.

All we need to do is get a character sheet printed out, as giving us the campaign book seems a bit dodgy. The GM goes to the host's desktop computer and tries to find the right website. The connection seems a bit slow, so our host prods it a bit, or just looks perplexed for a moment.

The character sheet is loaded. Send a copy to the printer. Get the character sheet. 'Who wants to play her?' A bit of murmuring has Bert volunteer, and the character sheet is finally handed over. 'Right, Torrent, what are you going to do?'


Unnaming the NPCs

11th September 2014

'This is captain...' Oh dear, the GM doesn't know the name of an NPC off the top of his head and needs time to find the reference in the adventure. This can only feed in to our tendency to rename all NPCs to something we actually have a chance of remembering.


'Sausage?! Sausage?! If the other fellow is Commander Aardvark I'm storming out.'

Captain Sausage, as he is now known for what is probably only a cameo appearance anyway, bears the brunt of our attack, blows raining down on him in the first round of combat. 'He's badly wounded, but still standing.'

'I'm sure he'll be gone interfrastically.'