Your Final Conscious Memory is it Reaching Out to Touch You

10th March 2016

Having accidentally caused the demise of another extra-planar being that we probably shouldn't have, we now may need to face a small orc army. Having focussed our attentions on the air elementals, and not having rested since then, our resources are somewhat limited.

Well, maybe not all of our resources, but certainly my list of prepared spells. Luckily, I didn't need to use all of my powerful spells against the elementals. 'I still have a Phantasmal Killer.'

'And you're not afraid to use it. Is that a Phantasmal Killer in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?'

'Huh. Is that your greatest fear, then?'

We Keep Him For His Tactical Mind

18th February 2016

On our way up a mountainous path to a monastery, we encounter some huge air elementals. We are not prepared for this, a single fly-by attack by one of the elementals, knocking Salvador down to half his hit points convincing us of this. We retreat back down the mountain.

We spend a night preparing tactics and spells to get past these elementals. Buff spells are learnt, utility spells are learnt, and when to use them and how is discussed. The next day we go back. The air elementals attack us again, and this time we are prepared.

Salvador is enlarged and flying, and can engage the elementals without penalty. He casts a swift True Strike on his weapon, followed by Vampiric Touch, smacking one of the elementals with a power attack that hits for plenty of damage, and draining it to gain himself some temporary hit points.

Thrak is enlarged and flying too. He engages the other air elemental and misses wildly. At least he intercedes the elemental likely to be attacking little gnomish me.

I cast Baleful Polymorph. One of the air elementals turns in to a bat. The now-bat doesn't fail its second saving throw against the polymorph spell, letting the creature keep its supernatural and spell-like abilities, as well as its intelligence and wisdom, but the now-bat doesn't see itself being a match for us any more. The bat, perhaps the toughest bat in the world, flies away from the battle.

Salvador strikes the first air elemental, dealing another massive hit and regaining more temporary hit points.

Thrak attempts to join in, but misses horribly again.

As much as I would like to see Salvador slay the air elemental, I have more spells that could end the battle more quickly. I cast Phantasmal Killer, revealing the air elemental's greatest fear and making it feel real. Maybe being turned in to a bat, I dunno. It works, the elemental failing its saving throws, and the air elemental dies immediately.

We were prepared. The encounter is over without too much trouble this time, although it's possible one of us wasn't quite pulling his dwarven weight.

It's a Privilege to Watch Him Think

2nd February 2016

Heading through the town towards the winding path to the monastery, someone beckons us in to a farmhouse. Curious, we head inside, only to see an apparently unused room obscured by veils.

Behind the veils a voice starts talking, giving us a portentous message. A second voice takes over, followed by silence. Pushing through the veils finds no one.

Thrak is unmoved. 'I thought it would be important.'

'It was important.'

'Not to my simple-minded, dwarven... uh...'


'Shut up.'

More Chrome Than Silver

2nd February 2016

We get in to the town before the monastery by walking through a Ragesian camp, with the enemy orcs barely paying attention to us. The attitude in the town is pretty relaxed too, rather more than seems warranted for a place supposedly under siege.

To try to make sense of the situation, we look for the town elder. Finding his address, we head to his home, but probably have to handle the situation with some delicacy. 'Who is skilled in diplomacy?' says Thrak.

'I have some training', says Salvador.

'Okay, good. Show him your silver tongue.'

Salvador pulls out a salve, smears his mouth with it, and shouts 'WITNESS ME!' as he knocks on the door.

One step beyond

22nd January 2016

We find proof that the royal dinner has been poisoned, and present that proof to our lord. He interrupts the dinner and all hell breaks loose. An inter-planar being (probably) reveals itself, and it, the king, and his guards attempt to destroy the kingdom more directly now that the poison plot won't work.

The inter-planar being, named Madness, is a tricky beast to attack. Huge, multi-limbed, and not altogether there. Not from being mad, but something else. Salvador attacks Madness, 'hitting AC23'.

'Make a miss chance, 50/50.' Salvador hits, doing damage, but Thrak is concerned that despite the hittable armour class we could still miss.

'She's incorporeal.'

'Yeah, Sal's not a real corporal either.'


'Fake corporal, fake brigadier. It amounts to the same rank.'

Somehow, we defeat Madness and the king returns to a lucid state. That's a relief, and it's good we realised not to attack him—well, after the Lightning Bolt I threw his way. Half the nobles of the realm still live, and although the situation is poor it is not irredeemable.

Sadly, our cleric died during the battle, somewhat ironically cut down by attacks of opportunity when trying to move out of combat to heal himself. We ought to get another one, but it's a worry that being our cleric has lower life-expectancy than drumming for Spinal Tap.

For our efforts and assistance in revealing and defeating the plot against the king, our lord is extremely grateful. He offers us some land we can call our own, a very generous reward indeed. 'I shall call it Fenksland', says Salvador.

'Fenksland? Really?'


22nd January 2016

We're not supposed to be somewhere, so we try the Ford Prefect strategy of walking past the guards and saying 'he's with me'. Naturally, this method is not guaranteed when used by uncharismatic characters.

'Give me a Bluff check.'

'Can I assist him?'


'Neat. I have +9 on my Bluff check, so automatically assist anyway, but I roll... 18. +27 means I assist Salvador's Bluff check quite easily.'

Salvador's roll is excellent. 'Natural 20! Back of the net. With your +2 assist, that gives me... +21.'

We really need to start working out in advance who in the party should be doing the talking under various circumstances.

Either Way, it's a Weird Relationship

7th January 2016

Past the graveyard, not full of ghastly undead, we get to the sewer entrance. It kinda stinks, which at first we take to be why 'Captain' Salvador's Blink Dog refuses to go in. But Sal communicates with his familiar, and the Blink Dog tells him that 'it is unnatural in there'.

'Okay, stay here. Wait for my return.' And, with that, we head in to the sewers.

'Huh. Your dog has effectively just sent you in to scout. Which of you is the familiar, and which the master?'

Otherwise What's it Doing in a Graveyard?

7th January 2016

We need to get in to the castle, as we suspect evil is afoot. We can't just wander in the main gate, as the evil involves reassigning all the guards and bringing in new people just prior to a massive feast for the nobility, which is pretty suspicious in itself.

We could enter the castle via the sewer system, which, after some investigation, we find to exit near a graveyard. Making our way there, we see that the graveyard is old and dilapidated, with a large, rusted, iron fence and gate, and lichen all over the gravestones.

'Hang on—is 'lichen' the plural of 'lich'?'

Everyone Gets Their Rightful Reward

15th December 2015

As reward for helping in the battle, Lord Gallow extends a very generous offer to us. He offers us each a knighthood, which we graciously accept. Well, most of us. Salvador enquires about the option of receiving a military rank instead. 'Yes, that would be possible', says Lord Gallow, 'but it would be honorary'.

An honorary military title is fine with Salvador, who ponders his options and decides to be an honorary captain in the army of Lord Gallow. He wears this title with pride, for all of the few hours it takes before we ask why not major? Colonel? Brigadier? 'Ooh, I want to be a brigadier. I can change to that, right.'

But it's too late. Captain it is. Honorary captain, as well. Sir Brewswain. Sir Thrak. 'Captain' Salvador.

The saving grace is that 'Captain' Salvador manages to win a jousting competition the next day. If only he'd been a knight, people may have cheered for him more.

Opportunistic Idiot

15th December 2015

The battle is over. King Steppenguard's forces have been pushed back, and the armies of this land have stopped fighting each other. Hopefully now we can concentrate on the real enemy—not the Judean People's Front, but the orcish army of Ragesia.

The next morning, a messenger rides out to the centre of the battlefield. Lord Gallow rides out to meet him. On seeing this, Salvador spots an opportunity. 'Brewswain, cast Phantasmal Killer on the lord now that he's vulnerable.'

'That's our lord, you douche. Whose side are you on?'