Slain by Elf

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are being thrown a lavish party in a Hollywood mansion, for some heroic deed or other. There are celebrities everywhere, enjoying the caviar pizza and making themselves noticed. It all looks like a typical party until a shout of 'get them!', whereupon the servants all shed their uniforms and whip out guns and knives. Luckily, turtles don't go anywhere unarmed.

It isn't surprising to see the celebrities disperse so quickly, but it is somewhat unexpected for David Hasselhoff to loiter and shoot red laser beams from his eyes, moving like a robot. In the midst of battling the staff it appears we must also deal with a mecha-Hoff. Donatello's technical knowledge comes in handy, as does a taser he has, which he uses to overload some circuits of Hasselhoff. Smoke starts to seep out of some orifices and slow down the robot.

Casey Jones wants a piece of the Hoff, so grabs a fire extinguisher, smacks Hasselhoff around the head with it and then empties the contents in his electronic face. Sadly, Casey didn't pay attention to the health and safety induction and the extinguisher does not contain water, which would be harmful to electronics, but powder. The smoke coming from mecha-Hoff subsides, as some of the internal fires are snuffed out, and he stands tall to shoot laser beams from his eyes again.

I suppose accidentally healing a golem is a mistake everyone makes at least once.

We have fought our way to the depths of the Keep on the Shadowfell, taking care to map as we go lest we forfeit our payment due, and finally the portal to hell is revealed to us. With Iago's falling in to a pool of blood announcing our arrival the cultist leader and cleric of Orcus turns from his chanting. 'You foolish cretins.' He has obviously been expecting us. 'You will pay for your impotence!'

'Who told you?!' shouts back Adran, which explains why he failed to seduce the elf back in town.

'Incompetence. I meant, incompetence.' But Kawakami has already had enough of this monologue and charges in to action, closing the gap between him and the cleric in seconds, raising his blade as he does so. Our warlord brings down his longsword with a mighty strike, although the cleric appears remarkably unconcerned. All is made clear as an amulet he is wearing around his neck glows with the hit and he vanishes!

This doesn't look good and any moment I am expecting a harsh voice to announce, 'Subcreatures! Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, The Traveller has come. Choose and perish.' But luckily instead he has only teleported to a different side of the room. He now stands on a circle evidently emitting magical energy, mere feet away from the portal to hell. A foul beast can be seen straining against the still-present forces binding the portal that prevent his entry to this plane of existence.

We enter battle with our foe, his minion staying at some distance and trying to immobilise each of us in turn. There is enough bloodshed that our warlord feels some envigorating words will rouse us to glory. He lets Adran spend a healing surge and adds D6 to the healing done. With the die roll ending up giving a single extra point of healing Adran thanks Kawakami a little too sarcastically for someone who just let him gain back a healthy chunk of hit points out-of-turn. 'Next time, I'll come over and see if you are more appreciative of a kick in the leg.'

With concentrated effort and a bit of clever footwork to keep the cleric flanked we are able to defeat him, his body crumpling lifeless to the stone floor. On seeing his master perish the minion jumps in to a pit to escape our wrath and in no way because it was both late and the last fight of the written adventure.

As we bask in our victory, the channeling of energy to open the portal to hell interrupted, huge claws erupt from portal! It looks like they are trying to tear the fabric that holds the two planes apart, but instead reach down and drag the cleric's fallen body back through to the other side. We can only look on, powerless and unnerved.

'Wait', declares Adran, 'we didn't loot the body, he's still got that magic rod. Let's go after him!'

It seems like time slowed significantly, taking us months to move through the doors from the previous fight with the undead to this new room, but we finally make it through the temporal quagmire. In the new room is a gaping hole down which blood is trickling. The blood is flowing from an altar ahead and we appear to have interrupted some cultists, but they are no match for our heroic powers.

Our warlock steps forward to look down the pit but his puny spellcaster grip fails him and he tumbles down, adding to the shallow pool of blood beneath, once we derive the formula for the velocity he ends up travelling based on the height of the fall and his acceleration under gravity, rather than simply looking up falling rules in the book. For reasons of party cohesion, and because there doesn't seem to be a second exit to the room, we follow, but by climbing down the chains, or making use of the feather fall spell in my case.

At the bottom of the pit we are presented with a large chamber, two distracted spellcasters and a statue of Orcus pointing at a portal. 'Is the statue moving?', asks Adran, concerned about a potential threat to his combat prowess.

'You're not familiar with the concept of statues, are you?'

Wait a minute, a portal? Of course! We are in Shadowfell Keep, ostensibly to map the keep for an academic but drawn in to preventing a gate to hell from opening. It's all coming back to us now, unlike the names of the party characters to the DM when asking for initiative order.

'It's been 10 weeks, I can't remember what you're all called. For the next adventure, so that I don't get confused, why don't you all pick names that start with different letters?' It's a good idea and Adran, Gruknal, Kawakami, Iago and Wizardo Montalban all plan to adhere to the request, once we've worked out where we went wrong in the first place. In the meantime, we have a boss to defeat in a chamber dedicated to Orcus.

Considering that it has been 10 weeks since we last managed a full session, will everyone be available for the main D&D campaign this evening?

It's looking hopeful!

Quite fancying something more rewarding than wandering around Dragonblight I put a call out that I am looking for a group, either to purge The Old Kingdom of bugs or to quell the uprising in the Violet Hold. Either way, as a protection warrior I am looking to tank. It isn't long before I am invited in to a group, but without any preliminary communication.

My previous experiences of being invited in to a group without first being contacted are all negative, at least in Northrend. The groups were all unfocussed and lacking in personal responsibility, with the leaders shirking any sense of duty on to anyone they can whilst they head off for food, to the point where I never made it past the entrance of an instance, let alone defeating any bosses. Conversely, all the groups who have contacted me first, asking if I am a tank or DPS and which instance I am interested in, have been mostly smooth and successful runs.

I listen to the voice of my experience and decline the random invitation with as much comment as I received. Almost immediately I am invited again to the same group, again without communication. This time I decline the invitation after telling the group leader that I have had nothing but poor results with groups that invite me in to the team without any initial contact. A reply comes back of 'vh', in its entirety, before another invitation to join the group is sent my way. I am looking to venture in to the Violet Hold and am currently not doing anything terribly exciting, so against my better judgement I accept.

It seems that my preconceptions are misplaced as the group starts fighting back the dragonkin piling through the portals of Violet Hold quite effectively and the first boss released from the prison is defeated with little fuss. Some good mage loot is dropped, which unsurprisingly goes to our mage, also our leader and the person who invited me along. During the second wave of portals a superior-quality items drops from the trash mobs, again good mage loot and again our mage rolls 'need' on the item to win it. Except this time he is challenged by another group member to equip the items he's received, after noticing that he also isn't wearing the equipment dropped from the first boss.

The mage is reticent about why he is reluctant to don the new bind-on-equip item, but is given the benefit of the doubt as the gear is certainly for mages and obviously went to the right class. After the second boss is despatched efficiently another mage item drops, the mage wins it and only equips it when provoked a second time. My interest piqued, I sneak a look at the mage's current gear and he is wearing mostly greens, the three blues he's picked up are definite improvements. The only new item he is wearing is the second boss drop and as it is bind-on-pickup there is no drawback to equipping it.

Either this second challenge is too much a slight on his good character or he's got a good enough haul for one group of marks, as the mage leaves the group and runs out of the Violet Hold. I am actually quite impressed that a ninja looter can survive all the way to mid-70s rather than concerned that some mage loot was gained unfairly. Even so, after quickly putting his name on my 'ignore' list, there are the final portals and boss to defeat, as we are only two-thirds of the way through the instance. With the Violet Hold being timed we cannot pause, but that's okay as the mage was apparently not pulling his weight and the four of us remaining are able to complete the instance smoothly.

It puts me in a state of confusion, however. I am not sure whether I should count this as a bad group that should have been avoided, because of the ninja looter, or a good group that breezed through the instance with few problems, even one man deficient. Because the blind invitation came from the eventually exposed ninja looter I think it is best still to consider blind invitations as probably harmful.

The master of the undead miners has been unmasked, his power over them revealed to be exerted by a skull artefact, and he is heading out of the mine back to the surface to continue his nefarious plan. Seeing the boss jump in to a mine cart and push off there is only one way we can possible catch him, by giving chase in our own out-of-control mine carts.

We stumble in to the remaining mine carts and try to keep our balance as they gather speed down the rickety rails, in-between firing off spells and abilities at the boss's cart ahead. With some deft control one of the carts catches up with the boss and Fargrim heroically jumps from to the lead cart to engage the boss in direct combat.

The ensuing struggle makes the cart lose control and it twists and turns, struggling against the confining rails, until a wheel can no longer take the strain and sheers its mount. The unbalanced cart strikes a sleeper and is thrown tumbling through the air! Fargrim's trained reflexes activate his magic armour, allowing him to float out of the cart and to the stoney ground safely, the wayward cart striking mightily against the rock wall, killing the boss still inside.

'Ha ha, I'm alive! I may have been risking death to jump out of the mining cart hurtling at such a speed through the air, but my armour saves the day. I'm ali-'. Fargrim's soliloquy is cut short as his own mine cart, abandoned to jump in to the one of the boss, rolls over him after it had made its lonely way down the track, almost crushing him to the ground.

'Ouch. It's a good thing I'm wearing a tonne of armour and that the cart was empty, otherwise that would have really hur-'. Our own mine cart, trailing behind the others because of our general incompetence, finally catches up.

'Hey, the boss is dead. Let's grab the skull and loot the body!'

'Great! That looks like Fargrim behind us, should we do anything?'

'Yep, grab his armour, it could come in useful.'

Miners are turning in to wights, our own thoughts are getting mixed with foreign voices telling us to protect a mysterious entity and, worst of all, we are in danger of missing the celebration to be held in our honour, where there is bound to be a free bar. We need to get deeper in to the mine to uncover the strange happenings quickly. We press on through the tunnel system after the fight with almost-undead miners until 'the tunnel opens in to a huge cavern'.

'When you say 'huge'...'

'It's not a 3-by-3 square, no.' With the appropriate sense of scale imparted to us we are ready to be awed by the bone-strewn cavern, skeletons covering the floor to what must be at least a foot deep, with a large statue standing in the middle of it all. Before we have time to join our exhibitionist rogue, flaunting his skills in dancing on one of the chains connecting the statue to the cavern's walls, two monsters burst out of pits hidden amongst the bones. A massive undead snake and a multi-limbed fiend attack!

Crunching in to action over the inert skeletons we make good use of manipulating our opponent's movements to put them at a disadvantage, my ability to turn undead causing them to flee from us, the fighters' marks forcing the monsters to attack a certain target or be harmed, and one character hampers movement by knocking our foes prone. 'But it's a snake.'

'It still gets knocked prone.' It is thus by causing a snake to stumble that we prevail. Huzzah! Onwards to more adventure.

Running around Howling Fjord as a death knight is a lot of fun. It is great to have a second chance of helping the Alliance, having turned my back on the Lich King, but old habits die hard, I suppose. When no one is looking I occasionally poke a squirrel in the eye, or pee when I'm swimming. Other times, people are simply offering too much temptation, albeit inadvertently.

I venture to the Isle of Spears where I find Kamagua, a settlement of The Kalu'ak walrus people. The warluses ask me to help them out with a few quests and I oblige. I also chat to some scurvy-looking scallawags who take me to their pirate camp, where I undertake a few quests of a more contumacious nature for them. One of these quests has me heading to Scallawag Point, where a rival gang of pirates has set anchor. I need to retrieve an item of value from the hold of their ship. 'Beware Abdul the Insane', I am told. Sure thing, chief.

Casually wandering in to Scallawag Point gets me all sorts of attention, but it turns out to be good in a way as the Kalu'ak walruses have asked me to cull the population of pirates to bring balance to nature, or something like that. They also gave me a horn that I could blow to summon one of their walrus men to help fight with me. That seems little bit excessive considering the wake of destruction I am leaving, but it was a lovely thought.

Having thinned the pirate herd sufficiently I head on to the ship to sneak below decks. As I creep up the gangplank I spy Abdul the Insane and it becomes clear why I should avoid him: he's a 73rd level elite mob. Sneaking around him proves impossible and standing my ground against him reckless, and I end up retreating a safe distance to heal my wounds. This quest seems rather difficult, particlarly as the friendly pirates didn't suggest I bring some help. I am scratching my head wondering if I am missing some secret trapdoor in to the ship's hold when I realise what else I am holding.

I head back to the ship's gangplank and pull out my Kalu'ak-summoning horn, giving it a good enough blast that a keen fighting walrus is soon by my side. 'Gnomesblight, you have summoned me! I feel honoured to be called to help defeat the pirate menace for my people.' Before he can notice all the dead pirates of a job already done I lead us up the gangplank. Abdul the Insane notices us again and attacks, with summoned walrus man leaping to my defence.

The Kalu'ak then realises what class of foe he is in combat with and calls for my aid, but I am already scooting along the deck and heading down in to the hold, my plan working as intended. 'You're doing a great job, I'll be right back.' The sounds of metal hitting walrus flesh continue as I quickly run in to the hold, retrieve the precious item, and return up the stairs. The look of relief on the Kalu'ak as I reappear tells its own story. I imagine the look of despair as I jump overboard to safety tells another story, but I don't get a chance to see it.

I return the artefact to the scurrilous rogues on the south of the island, then head to Kamagua in the north and let the Kalu'ak know how brave their warrior fought at Scallawag point before succumbing to his wounds. I give them back their horn and thank them for giving me such a helpful item.

With the trap-induced cave-in dug out and behind us we head deeper in to the mine. It isn't long before we need to use our keen adventuring skills to determine the right path to take. With time being ever more critical, as there is an unholy aura threatening to corrupt our minds and bodies, we cannot afford to falter. We must choose correctly. I come up with plan. 'We'll go down the main exit.'

'Okay', responds the DM, and picking one of the tunnels that looks identical to the others to the rest of us contines, 'you head off this way'. My plan to get the DM to lead us in the right direction has apparently worked.

A little way down the tunnel we are approached by some miners looking distinctly unhealthy and not a little hostile. The deathly aura that occasionally pricks at our minds has clearly taken hold in these wretches, two of them to the point of becoming ghasts. We enter combat, but are careful to subdue the miners so their minds and bodies can be saved from the abomination writhing within.

Mid-way through the fracas our rogue attempts to position a foe to our advantage. 'I shall do this attack, which deals damage and lets me slide my target 4 squares. <rolls dice> I do this much damage and I'll slide him across here.'

'Okay, your damage drops him to the ground...'

'I choose to inflict non-lethal damage so that he's only knocked unconscious.'

'...and his unconscious and prone body leaves a bloody trail of rent flesh as you slide him 20 feet across the rough and jagged stone floor face-down.'

Sadly, not even a potion of curing can help this NPC, as he is bestowed with no healing surges.

Far away from Shadowfell Keep four renowned adventurers return to their home town for some well-earned rest after months of extraordinary encounters. Hearing that the local heroes are returning the town has planned a big welcome, throwing a party in our honour. As we enter the preparations are under way but the celebrations haven't begun yet.

'Haven't begun yet? Nonsense, I haven't been sober since Tuesday.'

'Which Tuesday? You've been drinking for weeks.'

'...is Tuesday not a month?'

Despite the air of optimism and cheer circulating through the town there remain pockets of uncertainty, one of which becomes our concern before too long. An old friend of mine gives me the news that a mine recently reopened by his brother has had some workers disappear under strange circumstances. As if citizens in distress is not enough to stir us in to action it turns out that one of the missing workers is the brother of Bigboots, our halfling companion. On hearing this, my friend's compassion is obvious, 'Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Were you close to your brother?'

'No, I was miles away, adventuring.'

We head over to the mine and talk with the foreman, who gives us as much information as he knows about the disappearances as well as a rudimentary map of the mine. With this knowledge we crack a sunrod or two and press on in to the mine. There are still two active groups of miners working higher up in the mine. As we are about to pass the second of them a man runs out from where they are working and an explosion blasts our senses!

As the dust clears we hear groans and cries for help from inside the section and the escaped man is fleeing further in to the mine, not out towards the exit. As three of us brace the walls against the imminent cave-in and move to rescue the trapped miners Bigboots, with his rogueish speed and dextrous movement over the hazardous rocky floor, moves swiftly to intercept the suspicious runaway.

The tunnel is braced and the miners are successfully pulled out of the rubble, with only minor injuries sustained thanks to our quick action. As we start to move down the main tunnel to catch up with and help Bigboots we see him amble back towards us, alone. 'What's wrong? Did he get away from you?'

'No. No, I got him. He's just down the tunnel.'

'Great! Let's interrogate him.'

'Sure, but we'll need some spades.'

'Spades?'

'Um, yeah. I knew we needed him alive so I tried to grab him with my sticky gloves, but he evaded me. Instead I tried my Walking Wounded exploit to slow him down, make it so he couldn't get away. The moment before I threw my dagger he started doing a strange hopscotch down the tunnel, but it was too late to stop my throw. My blade cut his tendons and his leg gave way under his weight, dropping him to the tunnel floor. As he hit the ground the look of horror on his face was quickly obscured by the rocks falling on him from the cave-in trap he was avoiding. At least, he avoided it until I interrupted. So we need spades to dig him out of the tonne of rock sitting on top of him.

'On the positive side, I effectively disarmed the trap.'